Stumbling Through Trust

After posting last night's blog I began to feel a little uncomfortable. Am I sharing too much? What will readers think of me? Will I be judged for not being spiritual enough? I don't like for people to look down on me. I hate it when people judge me. I'm sure you feel the same way. People are hard to trust. This issue has been at the core of my thoughts and frustrations for quite some time.

I used to be a very trusting person. I thought nothing of sharing my heart with someone after knowing them for a very short time. I always felt it endeared me to their hearts and allowed them to open up without fear feeling safe in being my friend. I was, what some have called, transparent. However, about ten years ago I found that my transparency gave others the ammo they needed to judge and talk about me. People I trusted. People I loved. I began to consider the fact that transparency may not be a positive quality.

My personality, however, would not allow me to close people off. If you put me with someone, I would without hesitation begin to open up to them. Sometimes I would leave these encounters feeling insecure and frustrated with myself. How could I allow someone to know me so quickly? That is wreckless behavior, and it places my heart at risk. Do I want to walk through that valley again?

I know people who have built walls of protection around their lives and their feelings. You can't break in and really get to know them. No matter how long you have been a part of their lives, they still hold you at arms length. I'm afraid I am becoming that way. It's not something I want or seek to do. I can't afford transparency anymore, though. It hurts. And the sad thing is, Christians are as hurtful as nonbelievers. No, Christians have the ability to hurt another more because they are expected love, be patience, show forgiveness, even extend mercy. My heart still grieves the wounds I carry from some Christians.

Now before you write to tell me how unholy this attitude is, let me tell you that I am well aware of this. Before you write me off as a bitter soul, let me tell you that it is not bitterness I feel. It's sadness. Sadness for the Body of Christ. Sadness that we as the family of God hurt one another and never make ammends. When my children say hurtful things to and about each other my own heart breaks. I don't want ill feelings between them. How much more does the heart of God grieve at the division among His children? Wouldn't you assume that God has a deep desire to see unity within His own family?

Now I know that I am not perfect. I know I have done my share of hurting others. My mouth can quickly condemn another before I even think they situation through. At times I think myself better than others and act in a way that lets them know what I am thinking. I have made others ache because of my rash behavior. For all these I am deeply sorry. Sorry for hurting another human being, and even more sorry for breaking the heart of my Father. I have sought to apologize to those I have offended. If I have hurt you and not made it right, let me know. I want to seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Christ Jesus.

So, where does that leave me now? I'm scared to death to trust. I can't say I feel totally comfortable being myself with anyone. I hope in the days to come God will heal this broken heart and lead me to a point of security. Not security in the opinions of men, but in His love for me. I want to once again be a transparent, trusting person. However, this time around my trust will be in Him, and what people say about me will not move me or cause me to re-erect walls. I will live for the sole pleasure of my God and King letting everything fade into the background of His amazing grace.