The Journey

Why am I Writing This?

I am not quite sure why I now feel the push to write. I believe it is His Spirit that is prompting me to share my heart with whoever reads my blogs. The purpose? Probably to organize the many thoughts running through my head. Perhaps it is also to encourage someone else. However, the purpose is not the point. Obedience is. So, today I am starting a daily blog as an offering to my Lord Jesus Christ in obedience to what I believe He is asking me to do. How long will I do this? I don't know. I'll continue to write daily until the Lord says I am done. Sound crazy? Yeah, it does to me too. Well, here we go.

Day One - Let the Journey Begin

Is your mind ever a jumbled mess of feelings, ideas, convictions, fears, hopes, and facts? That's how my mind is right now. It's almost as if I cannot create a complete thought in my head because so much is jumbled together. Perhaps I can focus on one thing and hope as I type that the idea will be completed through all the other stuff.

I used to dream big. My name, Valerie, means "of determined purpose" and by golly, I have spent my life trying to find a purpose. I want to be something, do something. I want my life to be poured out with great meaning. I want to touch lives and point people to truth. It's not a bad desire. So, why when I dream the big dreams people say I should dream, do I feel like there is no way it will come to fruition? I used to believe. Now I've become skeptical.

The disappointments of life have taken their toll on my heart. I'm afraid to love, to trust, to dream. Fearing furthur disappointments I have shelved all my emotions and hopes. Maybe when one refuses to feel, they won't get hurt. No, this is an impossibility. As a person made in the image of God, especially as a woman, it is not possible to avoid feeling. I was made to feel. I can't avoid my emotions any more than I can avoid drinking water to stay alive. I have to feel! How then do I deal with these feelings?

The other night I laid in bed watching television with my family. During the commercials we would talk and laugh. When the show started again we all got quiet. It was not a sad show. However, laying there with my family a slew of emotions bombarded my mind. I began to cry. I was happy, sad, frustrated, hopeful. I couldn't contain the emotions, but I had to. My family would think I was crazy! I forced back the tears fearing that if I let one tear drop, I would fall completely apart. Something is brewing deep within me and somehow it can and will make its way to my consciousness.

I believe it is something of God. I believe God is trying to get me to deal with many things that have happened over the years. He wants me to let go, to hold tight, to laugh, to cry, to forgive, and finally to move on. I've tried for years to deal with issues. However, the fear and reality of other's responses have pretty much kept me silent. I don't want a confrontation. I don't want to know that for some things poepol will never apologize or make restitution. I don't want to come to the conclusion that I have no right to feel the way I do. If I ignore it, I won't have to face these negative realities. They'll lie buried, ignored. God doesn't want this. For such feelings and fears are cancers that destroy the soul. As with a tumor, God desires to cut this disease out of my heart. He wants total healing. And yes, as with cancer, healing often comes after a season of operations and therapies. Healing often requires hurt. This is definitely not something I want to jump up and down about! But it is the beautiful work our God seeks to do in all His children.

Perhaps then these next few days, weeks, or years (only God knows) will be a journey you can walk with me as the Great Healer restores His broken daughter. I'm afraid. I'm not looking forward to the tears and fears. But I know He walks with me. He wouldn't call me to do anything He didn't think was necessary for my good. Do I trust Him? He is the only one I do trust. Let's start the journey, God. I am willing to go wherever You lead.

See you tomorrow, friend. And remember, pray for me as I pray for my readers. God bless you!