Wrestling With God

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man." Genesis 32:24-25

I recall her words to me as I walked out the door, "I feel like I am wrestling with God. I am so hurt, so angry."
"It's ok," I replied, "As long as you continue to wrestle with Him, you are working out your frustration with Him. We all wrestle with God at times." I was totally unaware of what God had planned for this wrestling match with my friend.

Weeks passed. One day I received a phone call. "Debbie is in jail." Those words broke my heart. Turns out Debbie had been picked up for manufacturing Crystal Meth. I couldn't believe it. I knew Debbie had a rough edge, but I never fathomed that she would put herself in such a dangerous position. Apparently I was wrong.

Letters arrived weekly from Debbie. In them she expressed anger and depression. She demanded someone come and bail her out of prison; but I could not. I believed God had her exactly where he wanted her and that if I intervened, I would simply get in the way of God's great work in her life. Several times letters arrived where she would blame me and others for her misery. She said we had abandoned her. She felt we were working against her. All I could do was pray that what God began with her arrest He would see to completion.

Two ladies visited the jail weekly and brought Christian literature. They taught the Bible and pray with any of the women who asked. Debbie began to attend the meetings due to boredom. She listened quietly as the women spoke of God's forgiveness and grace. Eventually she began to believe it. One afternoon Debbie asked one of the ladies for a Bible. Gladly the woman handed her a tattered, black leather book. Debbie returned to her room with great anticipation. Throughout the day she scoured the pages of that Bible to read about this God who loved her so much. She turned to Scriptures she had heard as a kid. A new understanding began to take hold. A hope she had never experienced swelled within her. Debbie met the God she had been wrestling with so long.

Today Debbie still sits in prison. She and several of her cell mates do a daily Bible study together. Debbie writes me to tell me the things God has shown her through their studies. She sits next to an accused murderer. Her letters tell me of how this lady has also grabbed hold of the faith.

I am filled with such joy and gratefulness toward my God. He has done the impossible. He has broken the heart of a hard and bitter woman. He has given her a new heart, one that is soft and pliable. As with Jacob, when we wrestle with God, we will experience pain; but, as He holds on to us and refuses to give up, we receive even greater grace.

The Trial

I search for you in darkest night. I strain to see Your face.
I cry for you, my precious God, for my heart slowly breaks.
I need to hear the voice of One who loves me perfectly.
And see the eyes of Him who knows the deepest parts of me.

But in the silence confusion grows, I know not what to do.
Fear begins to take control and I dread this time I'll lose.
I cannot see the hope of You who stands with me today.
And deep inside my great desire is to simply run away.

Questions just frustrate me more. I cannot understand!
It makes no sense; it is so hard; I do the best I can!
Hear me, God! Know my cry, come to me today!
I cannot walk this path alone. I need to know the way!

I wait for you. I know You'll come. You never forsake your child.
Each trial I bear, You draw near, and hold me just a while.
I listen hard. Now I can hear the footsteps of my King.
He is coming now, to walk with me. My heart begins to sing!