A couple of posts ago I mentioned the dream I had to write books and speak. I love God's word. I love God's truth. Every time I learn something new I want to immediately share it with others. I believe I am a teacher at heart. Homeschooling my children gives me such joy because I get the opportunity to teach daily. Also, good teachers are eager learner. I adore learning. I read constantly, relish the information found in my children's textbooks, watch informational programs, and listen to teaching on the radio. Thus, my heart longs to teach in a way that will encourage others to know God more intimately and to walk in a way that is pleasing to Him.
Writing brings me great joy. I have written varying things since I was in my early teens. After writing my first book I paused to ask God if this was His desire for my life. That day the reading in my Bible was for Job 19:23. It said, "Oh, that my words were written! Oh, that they were inscribed in a book!" I was elated. I felt I had my answer. God verified that I was to write.
There was one small problem, though, I had a lot to learn from the Master. To learn this would walk through a dry and lonely desert. Just He and I. He would chip from me some really ugly personality flaws. He would heal some deep hurts. He would prepare me according to His will and His time.
I've written a few books. I have even sent them to publishers but have been rejected. The things I have written have been so important to me. I just knew others would find help and hope in them. I wrote these books several years ago. The past three years, however, I haven't written much at all. This season of desert walking brought much grief as I have felt my dream to write had died.
I became frustrated with God. I looked at other women who were doing the very things I desired to do. Why couldn't I do that? Was I not good enough? I just didn't understand. Then, God showed me something more. For our dreams to become His, they must die. Just as when a seed drops to the earth, it must die before I can begin to grow. As long as the dream to write and speak is of my making, it could only go where this woman could take it. But when I allow it to die to Him, it will go where He wants to take it. And that is much greater than anything I can imagine. I believe this desire is God given. Now I want it to be God driven. In the years to come I want to cooperate with Him as He works in my life to make me an instrument prepared for this work. And, in the end, it will not be for my glory, but for His glory.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Climbing to Mountain Tops
So, I am sitting here at the computer with a slew of thoughts not quite sure what I am to write. I guess I can tell you about some neat stuff happening in my house right now.
It's 12:30 am (yes, I said a.m.) and my house is still hopping with activity. At the present time there are eight (yes, I said eight) kids running around. Two of our favorite people are here visiting as they look at attending college here in Tuscaloosa.
We met them during Hurricane Katrina. They are Justin and Jessica. Twins!! They had left New Orleans seeking refuge wherever they could find a vacant motel. God led them here to Tuscaloosa, and I am so glad He did. During the two years they spent here, they attended our church. My oldest son became friends with them, hanging out with them in youth. When they moved back to New Orleans, my son kept in touch with them. It wasn't long after they moved that Brennon, my son, invited them to visit. That's when they became an official part of the "Dent" family. We fell in love with them, each day enjoying the joy and laughter they brought into our home.
Over the past three years they have come to stay with us during vacations and school breaks. Our bonds have grown deeper. During Hurricane Gustav their whole family came to stay for a week. When I say the whole family I mean everyone - mom, dad, cats, dogs, chickens, rabbits, everyone!
Sadly, last year, their mother became very sick. Justin and talked on the phone daily as her health declined. One evening Justin called to say the doctors had informed them that she was dying. My children and I hopped in the car a began the drive to New Orleans. Before we reached Louisiana, Justin called to let us know that she had passed away. When we arrived at their house the kids and their father were gathered on the bed mourning the loss of their mom.
We stayed a few of days and mourned with them. We attended the funeral and had to leave for home the next day. It was so hard leaving them behind. I worried about them. I prayed for them. God saw them through.
Jump forward a year and two months to today. Here they are in my home again. It feels so right to have them wandering through the house. They want to attend school here, and I think it is a great idea! My family also hopes they will come to Tuscaloosa. (They seem to think they will.) They would live with us for a while. We would love it!
I have always wanted a large family. After my fourth child my husband decided our family was large enough. Of course, I disagreed. However, he put an end to any future pregnancies. This was painful for me. I love being a mother. I felt he had ripped something precious from me. I mourned deeply for the loss of ever carrying another child. However, I had to believe God knows my heart and placed the love of motherhood in my heart.
Nine years later my niece came to live with us. She is only four days older than my youngest child. We love her so much, and she fits perfectly into our family. Her adoption was finalized September seventh of this year. Funny, I always wanted twins but was never blessed to give birth to twins. However, I have my twins in my youngest son and my niece. People will ask how old they are. When I tell them the children are the same age they ask, "Twins?" I smile and say, "No". Usually I explain, but sometimes it is fun to watch them try to figure it out.
Now we are welcoming two more children into our home, Justin and Jessica. Twins! Next year we will have seven kids filling these four walls. (All of them will be teenagers!) A large family? I think so. And this is the kind of family only God can put together. He knew my desire and fulfilled it in a way I could never have imagined.
As I watch my dream of being a writer and speaker seem to crumble I must take pause to ponder what God has done. He knows the desire of my heart. I believe He will fulfill this desire as well. I can't imagine what creative way He will bring it about, but I know it will be amazing!
It's 12:30 am (yes, I said a.m.) and my house is still hopping with activity. At the present time there are eight (yes, I said eight) kids running around. Two of our favorite people are here visiting as they look at attending college here in Tuscaloosa.
We met them during Hurricane Katrina. They are Justin and Jessica. Twins!! They had left New Orleans seeking refuge wherever they could find a vacant motel. God led them here to Tuscaloosa, and I am so glad He did. During the two years they spent here, they attended our church. My oldest son became friends with them, hanging out with them in youth. When they moved back to New Orleans, my son kept in touch with them. It wasn't long after they moved that Brennon, my son, invited them to visit. That's when they became an official part of the "Dent" family. We fell in love with them, each day enjoying the joy and laughter they brought into our home.
Over the past three years they have come to stay with us during vacations and school breaks. Our bonds have grown deeper. During Hurricane Gustav their whole family came to stay for a week. When I say the whole family I mean everyone - mom, dad, cats, dogs, chickens, rabbits, everyone!
Sadly, last year, their mother became very sick. Justin and talked on the phone daily as her health declined. One evening Justin called to say the doctors had informed them that she was dying. My children and I hopped in the car a began the drive to New Orleans. Before we reached Louisiana, Justin called to let us know that she had passed away. When we arrived at their house the kids and their father were gathered on the bed mourning the loss of their mom.
We stayed a few of days and mourned with them. We attended the funeral and had to leave for home the next day. It was so hard leaving them behind. I worried about them. I prayed for them. God saw them through.
Jump forward a year and two months to today. Here they are in my home again. It feels so right to have them wandering through the house. They want to attend school here, and I think it is a great idea! My family also hopes they will come to Tuscaloosa. (They seem to think they will.) They would live with us for a while. We would love it!
I have always wanted a large family. After my fourth child my husband decided our family was large enough. Of course, I disagreed. However, he put an end to any future pregnancies. This was painful for me. I love being a mother. I felt he had ripped something precious from me. I mourned deeply for the loss of ever carrying another child. However, I had to believe God knows my heart and placed the love of motherhood in my heart.
Nine years later my niece came to live with us. She is only four days older than my youngest child. We love her so much, and she fits perfectly into our family. Her adoption was finalized September seventh of this year. Funny, I always wanted twins but was never blessed to give birth to twins. However, I have my twins in my youngest son and my niece. People will ask how old they are. When I tell them the children are the same age they ask, "Twins?" I smile and say, "No". Usually I explain, but sometimes it is fun to watch them try to figure it out.
Now we are welcoming two more children into our home, Justin and Jessica. Twins! Next year we will have seven kids filling these four walls. (All of them will be teenagers!) A large family? I think so. And this is the kind of family only God can put together. He knew my desire and fulfilled it in a way I could never have imagined.
As I watch my dream of being a writer and speaker seem to crumble I must take pause to ponder what God has done. He knows the desire of my heart. I believe He will fulfill this desire as well. I can't imagine what creative way He will bring it about, but I know it will be amazing!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Bumps and Bruises
It seems that every time I meditate on my relationship with God and His relationship to me I come back to the Potter and the clay analogy. The one in Isaiah 64:8 that says, "We are the clay, and You our potter, and we are all the work of Your hand." Wow, I am the work of His hand. You, friend, are the work of God's hand.
For the first several years of my life I was the lump clay who sought to mold myself into something I thought I wanted to be. I worked hard to become someone special. I tried to be everything I believed would make me happy, that would make me accepted. And after years of making, molding, pressing, and striving I still felt empty and useless.
You see, God is the potter, not me. He is the One who shapes me through life experiences, through His word, the input of others, education, family situations, and my distinct personality making me a vessel perfect for His use. All too often, though, I would not cooperate. All too often I, as the clay, had disliked what God was doing in my life and how He was doing it. I resisted and refused to be molded by the hand of my great Creator. I hardened myself to His prompting and became frustrated with what God was seeking to do in and with my life. "Will the thing formed say to Him who formed it, Why have You made me like this?" (Romans 9:20)
I've asked it. Frustrated with my frailties and insecurities I have shaken my fist before the Lord and asked, "Why did you make me like this? I hate who I am." Have you ever been there? Exhausted in trying to be something or someone you are not, have you looked to Heaven and questioned God's judgement in making you the way you are? Be honest. I know I don't stand alone in this. "Why? Why can't I be like him or her? Why can't I have their looks, money, talent? Why am I simply me?"
The Potter, however, is not finished. He waits for us to tire of our striving until we come to the point where we simply still ourselves before Him and allow Him to make us. I'm here. I'm on the Potter's wheel and His hands are gently forming me. After years of resisting, I find that allowing Him to mold me is not as hard as I feared. I'm actually finding peace in it. I can see this vessel taking shape. The vessel that is forming is not what I had envisioned for myself, but I see that it is a vessel of honor as it is for the King's use.
I'm amazed to realize, too, that God is using all of my past attempts to mold myself to build this vessel. Lessons I have learned, pains I have endured, none of it is going to waste. He's using all of me. What will the final piece look like? What exactly will it be used for? I can't say. I have certain dreams that I think He will incorporate into this work. I hope He will. I believe He has placed these dreams within this vessel so that He can fulfill them. Then I fear. What if it's not at all what I had hoped? Hope and fear, side by side. Joy and frustration each vying for a place in my heart. The struggle continues, but the work doesn't stop. The Potter tirelessly labors to pound this clay into something beautiful. And you, He pounds away making you as well.
For the first several years of my life I was the lump clay who sought to mold myself into something I thought I wanted to be. I worked hard to become someone special. I tried to be everything I believed would make me happy, that would make me accepted. And after years of making, molding, pressing, and striving I still felt empty and useless.
You see, God is the potter, not me. He is the One who shapes me through life experiences, through His word, the input of others, education, family situations, and my distinct personality making me a vessel perfect for His use. All too often, though, I would not cooperate. All too often I, as the clay, had disliked what God was doing in my life and how He was doing it. I resisted and refused to be molded by the hand of my great Creator. I hardened myself to His prompting and became frustrated with what God was seeking to do in and with my life. "Will the thing formed say to Him who formed it, Why have You made me like this?" (Romans 9:20)
I've asked it. Frustrated with my frailties and insecurities I have shaken my fist before the Lord and asked, "Why did you make me like this? I hate who I am." Have you ever been there? Exhausted in trying to be something or someone you are not, have you looked to Heaven and questioned God's judgement in making you the way you are? Be honest. I know I don't stand alone in this. "Why? Why can't I be like him or her? Why can't I have their looks, money, talent? Why am I simply me?"
The Potter, however, is not finished. He waits for us to tire of our striving until we come to the point where we simply still ourselves before Him and allow Him to make us. I'm here. I'm on the Potter's wheel and His hands are gently forming me. After years of resisting, I find that allowing Him to mold me is not as hard as I feared. I'm actually finding peace in it. I can see this vessel taking shape. The vessel that is forming is not what I had envisioned for myself, but I see that it is a vessel of honor as it is for the King's use.
I'm amazed to realize, too, that God is using all of my past attempts to mold myself to build this vessel. Lessons I have learned, pains I have endured, none of it is going to waste. He's using all of me. What will the final piece look like? What exactly will it be used for? I can't say. I have certain dreams that I think He will incorporate into this work. I hope He will. I believe He has placed these dreams within this vessel so that He can fulfill them. Then I fear. What if it's not at all what I had hoped? Hope and fear, side by side. Joy and frustration each vying for a place in my heart. The struggle continues, but the work doesn't stop. The Potter tirelessly labors to pound this clay into something beautiful. And you, He pounds away making you as well.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Stumbling Through Trust
After posting last night's blog I began to feel a little uncomfortable. Am I sharing too much? What will readers think of me? Will I be judged for not being spiritual enough? I don't like for people to look down on me. I hate it when people judge me. I'm sure you feel the same way. People are hard to trust. This issue has been at the core of my thoughts and frustrations for quite some time.
I used to be a very trusting person. I thought nothing of sharing my heart with someone after knowing them for a very short time. I always felt it endeared me to their hearts and allowed them to open up without fear feeling safe in being my friend. I was, what some have called, transparent. However, about ten years ago I found that my transparency gave others the ammo they needed to judge and talk about me. People I trusted. People I loved. I began to consider the fact that transparency may not be a positive quality.
My personality, however, would not allow me to close people off. If you put me with someone, I would without hesitation begin to open up to them. Sometimes I would leave these encounters feeling insecure and frustrated with myself. How could I allow someone to know me so quickly? That is wreckless behavior, and it places my heart at risk. Do I want to walk through that valley again?
I know people who have built walls of protection around their lives and their feelings. You can't break in and really get to know them. No matter how long you have been a part of their lives, they still hold you at arms length. I'm afraid I am becoming that way. It's not something I want or seek to do. I can't afford transparency anymore, though. It hurts. And the sad thing is, Christians are as hurtful as nonbelievers. No, Christians have the ability to hurt another more because they are expected love, be patience, show forgiveness, even extend mercy. My heart still grieves the wounds I carry from some Christians.
Now before you write to tell me how unholy this attitude is, let me tell you that I am well aware of this. Before you write me off as a bitter soul, let me tell you that it is not bitterness I feel. It's sadness. Sadness for the Body of Christ. Sadness that we as the family of God hurt one another and never make ammends. When my children say hurtful things to and about each other my own heart breaks. I don't want ill feelings between them. How much more does the heart of God grieve at the division among His children? Wouldn't you assume that God has a deep desire to see unity within His own family?
Now I know that I am not perfect. I know I have done my share of hurting others. My mouth can quickly condemn another before I even think they situation through. At times I think myself better than others and act in a way that lets them know what I am thinking. I have made others ache because of my rash behavior. For all these I am deeply sorry. Sorry for hurting another human being, and even more sorry for breaking the heart of my Father. I have sought to apologize to those I have offended. If I have hurt you and not made it right, let me know. I want to seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Christ Jesus.
So, where does that leave me now? I'm scared to death to trust. I can't say I feel totally comfortable being myself with anyone. I hope in the days to come God will heal this broken heart and lead me to a point of security. Not security in the opinions of men, but in His love for me. I want to once again be a transparent, trusting person. However, this time around my trust will be in Him, and what people say about me will not move me or cause me to re-erect walls. I will live for the sole pleasure of my God and King letting everything fade into the background of His amazing grace.
I used to be a very trusting person. I thought nothing of sharing my heart with someone after knowing them for a very short time. I always felt it endeared me to their hearts and allowed them to open up without fear feeling safe in being my friend. I was, what some have called, transparent. However, about ten years ago I found that my transparency gave others the ammo they needed to judge and talk about me. People I trusted. People I loved. I began to consider the fact that transparency may not be a positive quality.
My personality, however, would not allow me to close people off. If you put me with someone, I would without hesitation begin to open up to them. Sometimes I would leave these encounters feeling insecure and frustrated with myself. How could I allow someone to know me so quickly? That is wreckless behavior, and it places my heart at risk. Do I want to walk through that valley again?
I know people who have built walls of protection around their lives and their feelings. You can't break in and really get to know them. No matter how long you have been a part of their lives, they still hold you at arms length. I'm afraid I am becoming that way. It's not something I want or seek to do. I can't afford transparency anymore, though. It hurts. And the sad thing is, Christians are as hurtful as nonbelievers. No, Christians have the ability to hurt another more because they are expected love, be patience, show forgiveness, even extend mercy. My heart still grieves the wounds I carry from some Christians.
Now before you write to tell me how unholy this attitude is, let me tell you that I am well aware of this. Before you write me off as a bitter soul, let me tell you that it is not bitterness I feel. It's sadness. Sadness for the Body of Christ. Sadness that we as the family of God hurt one another and never make ammends. When my children say hurtful things to and about each other my own heart breaks. I don't want ill feelings between them. How much more does the heart of God grieve at the division among His children? Wouldn't you assume that God has a deep desire to see unity within His own family?
Now I know that I am not perfect. I know I have done my share of hurting others. My mouth can quickly condemn another before I even think they situation through. At times I think myself better than others and act in a way that lets them know what I am thinking. I have made others ache because of my rash behavior. For all these I am deeply sorry. Sorry for hurting another human being, and even more sorry for breaking the heart of my Father. I have sought to apologize to those I have offended. If I have hurt you and not made it right, let me know. I want to seek your forgiveness and the forgiveness of Christ Jesus.
So, where does that leave me now? I'm scared to death to trust. I can't say I feel totally comfortable being myself with anyone. I hope in the days to come God will heal this broken heart and lead me to a point of security. Not security in the opinions of men, but in His love for me. I want to once again be a transparent, trusting person. However, this time around my trust will be in Him, and what people say about me will not move me or cause me to re-erect walls. I will live for the sole pleasure of my God and King letting everything fade into the background of His amazing grace.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Journey
Why am I Writing This?
I am not quite sure why I now feel the push to write. I believe it is His Spirit that is prompting me to share my heart with whoever reads my blogs. The purpose? Probably to organize the many thoughts running through my head. Perhaps it is also to encourage someone else. However, the purpose is not the point. Obedience is. So, today I am starting a daily blog as an offering to my Lord Jesus Christ in obedience to what I believe He is asking me to do. How long will I do this? I don't know. I'll continue to write daily until the Lord says I am done. Sound crazy? Yeah, it does to me too. Well, here we go.
Day One - Let the Journey Begin
Is your mind ever a jumbled mess of feelings, ideas, convictions, fears, hopes, and facts? That's how my mind is right now. It's almost as if I cannot create a complete thought in my head because so much is jumbled together. Perhaps I can focus on one thing and hope as I type that the idea will be completed through all the other stuff.
I used to dream big. My name, Valerie, means "of determined purpose" and by golly, I have spent my life trying to find a purpose. I want to be something, do something. I want my life to be poured out with great meaning. I want to touch lives and point people to truth. It's not a bad desire. So, why when I dream the big dreams people say I should dream, do I feel like there is no way it will come to fruition? I used to believe. Now I've become skeptical.
The disappointments of life have taken their toll on my heart. I'm afraid to love, to trust, to dream. Fearing furthur disappointments I have shelved all my emotions and hopes. Maybe when one refuses to feel, they won't get hurt. No, this is an impossibility. As a person made in the image of God, especially as a woman, it is not possible to avoid feeling. I was made to feel. I can't avoid my emotions any more than I can avoid drinking water to stay alive. I have to feel! How then do I deal with these feelings?
The other night I laid in bed watching television with my family. During the commercials we would talk and laugh. When the show started again we all got quiet. It was not a sad show. However, laying there with my family a slew of emotions bombarded my mind. I began to cry. I was happy, sad, frustrated, hopeful. I couldn't contain the emotions, but I had to. My family would think I was crazy! I forced back the tears fearing that if I let one tear drop, I would fall completely apart. Something is brewing deep within me and somehow it can and will make its way to my consciousness.
I believe it is something of God. I believe God is trying to get me to deal with many things that have happened over the years. He wants me to let go, to hold tight, to laugh, to cry, to forgive, and finally to move on. I've tried for years to deal with issues. However, the fear and reality of other's responses have pretty much kept me silent. I don't want a confrontation. I don't want to know that for some things poepol will never apologize or make restitution. I don't want to come to the conclusion that I have no right to feel the way I do. If I ignore it, I won't have to face these negative realities. They'll lie buried, ignored. God doesn't want this. For such feelings and fears are cancers that destroy the soul. As with a tumor, God desires to cut this disease out of my heart. He wants total healing. And yes, as with cancer, healing often comes after a season of operations and therapies. Healing often requires hurt. This is definitely not something I want to jump up and down about! But it is the beautiful work our God seeks to do in all His children.
Perhaps then these next few days, weeks, or years (only God knows) will be a journey you can walk with me as the Great Healer restores His broken daughter. I'm afraid. I'm not looking forward to the tears and fears. But I know He walks with me. He wouldn't call me to do anything He didn't think was necessary for my good. Do I trust Him? He is the only one I do trust. Let's start the journey, God. I am willing to go wherever You lead.
See you tomorrow, friend. And remember, pray for me as I pray for my readers. God bless you!
I am not quite sure why I now feel the push to write. I believe it is His Spirit that is prompting me to share my heart with whoever reads my blogs. The purpose? Probably to organize the many thoughts running through my head. Perhaps it is also to encourage someone else. However, the purpose is not the point. Obedience is. So, today I am starting a daily blog as an offering to my Lord Jesus Christ in obedience to what I believe He is asking me to do. How long will I do this? I don't know. I'll continue to write daily until the Lord says I am done. Sound crazy? Yeah, it does to me too. Well, here we go.
Day One - Let the Journey Begin
Is your mind ever a jumbled mess of feelings, ideas, convictions, fears, hopes, and facts? That's how my mind is right now. It's almost as if I cannot create a complete thought in my head because so much is jumbled together. Perhaps I can focus on one thing and hope as I type that the idea will be completed through all the other stuff.
I used to dream big. My name, Valerie, means "of determined purpose" and by golly, I have spent my life trying to find a purpose. I want to be something, do something. I want my life to be poured out with great meaning. I want to touch lives and point people to truth. It's not a bad desire. So, why when I dream the big dreams people say I should dream, do I feel like there is no way it will come to fruition? I used to believe. Now I've become skeptical.
The disappointments of life have taken their toll on my heart. I'm afraid to love, to trust, to dream. Fearing furthur disappointments I have shelved all my emotions and hopes. Maybe when one refuses to feel, they won't get hurt. No, this is an impossibility. As a person made in the image of God, especially as a woman, it is not possible to avoid feeling. I was made to feel. I can't avoid my emotions any more than I can avoid drinking water to stay alive. I have to feel! How then do I deal with these feelings?
The other night I laid in bed watching television with my family. During the commercials we would talk and laugh. When the show started again we all got quiet. It was not a sad show. However, laying there with my family a slew of emotions bombarded my mind. I began to cry. I was happy, sad, frustrated, hopeful. I couldn't contain the emotions, but I had to. My family would think I was crazy! I forced back the tears fearing that if I let one tear drop, I would fall completely apart. Something is brewing deep within me and somehow it can and will make its way to my consciousness.
I believe it is something of God. I believe God is trying to get me to deal with many things that have happened over the years. He wants me to let go, to hold tight, to laugh, to cry, to forgive, and finally to move on. I've tried for years to deal with issues. However, the fear and reality of other's responses have pretty much kept me silent. I don't want a confrontation. I don't want to know that for some things poepol will never apologize or make restitution. I don't want to come to the conclusion that I have no right to feel the way I do. If I ignore it, I won't have to face these negative realities. They'll lie buried, ignored. God doesn't want this. For such feelings and fears are cancers that destroy the soul. As with a tumor, God desires to cut this disease out of my heart. He wants total healing. And yes, as with cancer, healing often comes after a season of operations and therapies. Healing often requires hurt. This is definitely not something I want to jump up and down about! But it is the beautiful work our God seeks to do in all His children.
Perhaps then these next few days, weeks, or years (only God knows) will be a journey you can walk with me as the Great Healer restores His broken daughter. I'm afraid. I'm not looking forward to the tears and fears. But I know He walks with me. He wouldn't call me to do anything He didn't think was necessary for my good. Do I trust Him? He is the only one I do trust. Let's start the journey, God. I am willing to go wherever You lead.
See you tomorrow, friend. And remember, pray for me as I pray for my readers. God bless you!
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