Worry and Fear

"Truly my soul silently waits for God; from Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." Psalm 62:1-2

Last year in February my husband had a heart attack. I believe it is only by God's grace that he is alive today, and I am very thankful for this. However, as the anniversary of his heart attack has rolled around, and as he is scheduled for another heart catheterization in two weeks I find myself fearful that the doctor is going to find something else wrong with his heart.

This year of our marriage has been very different from the previous seventeen years. Having come so close to losing my husband, I have come to view him and our relationship in a new light. He has also changed in that he is more aware of my needs and the needs of the children. While our marriage is not perfect, it is the kind of relationship I have yearned for from childhood. Over the past twelve months I have found security and hope in our relationship. I am understanding God's desire for His children in their marriage relationships and it is good.

What is not good is this fear and worry I have been battling over the past few weeks. I am afraid now of losing the man I have learned to love. For years I guarded my heart so as not to feel great pain if something happened to my him. My father left my mom after twenty years of marriage, and Terry's dad died of a massive heart attack at the young age of thirty-six. I felt sure that in one way or another it was inevitable that my husband would leave me as well. So I guarded my heart so as not to become too dependent on this man. I erected some walls so as not to be too emotionally tied to him. I didn't want to hurt badly when he either walked out on me or died. But as he lay in the emergency room one year ago I realized how much I needed him. I understood that my heart was bound to him. Try as I may, I could not avoid the pain of his leaving. So I determined to love him with all my heart. No longer keeping him at arms length, I opened my heart and gave him all of me.

Yet today I find myself with tears in my eyes fearing that he will not be with me much longer. My mind runs away with thoughts and questions - Will a phone call come bearing the news of his passing? How will I handle it? How will I raise our five children as a single mother? Who is going to protect this family? Terry has such a level head and I often seek his wisdom when making decisions. Who would I turn to if I didn't have him? Who will listen to me when I have something to share? Who will be with me when the children have grown up and gone?

And suddenly I find myself greatly moved. Worry fills my head as fear consumes my heart. Yet God says, "Do not fear." God reminds me that He is here. His truth stands firm no matter what I am struggling through. I am not alone for He has promised never to "leave me nor forsake me." I need to remind myself of these truths so I can rest in His peace. God's truth brings peace.

Is something causing you to be greatly moved today? Are you full of worry and fear? Is there a situation that you are fretting over in which you have no control? God wants you and I to trust Him and refuse to worry. As His children we are in His care. He is our Rock and our Salvation. He is our defense. We can believe Him.

So tonight I will focus on reminding myself of the very truths I seem to have forgotten. I will refuse to dwell on thoughts born out of fear. I encourage you to do the same. Together we can experience the "peace that passes understanding" as we stand firm on the promises and character of our loving Father.