The Pursuit

Lately things are changing in my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. For the first time in my life I am beginning to accept His devoted love for me. I am beginning to believe He can actually love someone like me.

From my earliest memory, I can recall having feelings of unworthiness and even self loathing. I couldn't understand how God could love me. I believed everything about me was a mistake, an accident, and even a bad joke. God would say He loved me. I would respond with disdain and disbelief. How could anyone love someone who couldn't get anything right? How could this holy God want to be near to someone who was nothing more than a problem that needed to be dealt with? Every time God would say "I love you," I would shrug and ask, "Yeah? For how long?" I couldn't fathom His eternal and unconditional affection. I believed I was the only person that God could not truly love. He pushed to draw close to me; I pushed to keep Him at arms length. I believed it was only a matter of time before He realized, like others before, that loving me was a terrible mistake.

Such erroneous belief fed my pain and fear. I was afraid to love others. I was terrified to let others love me. My soul ached to enjoy tenderness and affection with others, but my fear forced me to pull away every time relationships became too intimate. I felt lonely. I felt confused.

I am thirty-eight years old and for the first thirty-seven years of my life I have fought the idea of being loved. However, God has pursued me faithfully all this time. He would not let my spirit wither. He would not let my soul harden. In every situation He proved His faithfulness to me. When I would push to "prove" He couldn't possibly want to know me as His child, He would hold fast and not let me go.

Why am I sharing this with you? Why did I crawl out of bed at four in the morning to post this blog? Because I believe you or someone you know may struggle with similar fears and feelings. I want you to know, such belief, the belief that God does not or cannot love you completely, is false. You are not the exception to His grace. He does not look at you and think, "Bummer, I wish I didn't have to accept her into the kingdom." No! He rejoices over you! He sees your face and smiles with pride! He hears your voice and His heart leaps within His chest! You are His special jewel! You are His precious child!

You see, the enemy wants us to doubt God's love. When we walk in doubt, we cannot walk in victory. However, when we become secure in God's love for us, we are free to love others and to minister to those who need to hear of His love for them. You see why Satan tries to keep us in such bondage? When we embrace God's complete and unconditional love for us, God is able to change the lives of others through us!

Today begin your day by believing what our Father says about you, "I have loved you with an EVERLASTING LOVE." No ifs, ands, or buts. He loves you period. Walk in that truth. Walk in victory.