Who Am I

Twenty years ago I was pregnant with my first child. I had completed my first year of college and was looking forward to another semester. However, when December rolled around and my baby girl was born, I knew motherhood was what I wanted to pursue. So, for twenty years I have been a stay-at-home mom. I have done other things along with raising my children and caring for my home. I worked at a crisis pregnancy center as a counselor and later as their spokes person. I cleaned a few houses for extra money. I tried my hand at writing, penning several Bible studies and one book (still unpublished). Currently I sit with some mentally challenged ladies once a week and I organize workers for the church nursery. I have homeschooled my children for nine years and continue to do so. But for the past few months the question that has been eating at me is, "Who am I?"

My youngest children turned thirteen over the past few days, and as I count the future years I am faced with the reality that my kids will be grown in the next five years. Five years! That can be counted on one hand! Soon they will be off to begin their own lives, and my job as full time mom will be over. Oh, and in October I will be turning forty. Half my life is over. The first few seasons completed. And as I look in the mirror I see an older and wiser woman and ask, "Who am I?" What is it I am going to do with the rest of my life? What skills, gifts, and talents do I have to offer the world? What can I do to leave my mark in history? What does God want to do through this woman during the second half of her life?

I know all the right answers. Yes, I am a child of God, and I am to live a life that brings Him glory. But my question is, "What direction am I supposed to go as I accomplish this?" I know I make a difference just being me, but where is God leading me to do this?

I don't think I am the only one who wrestles with these questions. I believe at certain times in our lives we all take a deep look inside ourselves and ask similar questions. And when these questions go unanswered we wrestle to find the answers.

I find great solace in studying the life of Moses. At forty he fled his home in Egypt after killing a man. The next forty years he spent tending sheep in desert. He had started life with a BANG! He was adopted by Pharaoh's daughter, raised as royalty, and given all the accolades that belonged to Pharaoh's family. He could have done anything. He had the money and the influence. But that came to an abrupt end. Before Moses could comprehend what was happening, he found himself a stinky, lowly shepherd. I know he thought his prime was behind him, that all he had left to do was tend sheep and die. But that was not the plan God had for him. He had another forty years of life and work to accomplish. Unbeknownst to him, Moses was being primed for the difficult work of leading God's people. Each day he labored to keep the sheep together and safe he was in the midst of God's will for him. I guess we could call it his college. However, he didn't get his degree in four years. It took him forty. But when he graduated, he was ready to lead millions of people and to relate God's word to them.

So, where are you right now? Perhaps you are like me and are coming quickly to a time of great change. You are wondering, "What now?" Or maybe you are still in the time of great adventure and satisfaction unaware that a time of teaching and preparation is ahead. Or you might be in that desert tending sheep wondering, "How did I ever get here?" Know that in each phase you are in the palm of God's hand, that He is not wasting any part of your life experience. He is preparing you, molding you, and teaching you valuable things. Our responsibility is to listen and take advantage of these years. They all hold great purpose.