Restoration

This new year didn't begin so well for me. The first day of January I stayed in bed until 2:00 pm not wanting to face the day or life itself. I had made a fool of myself and was beating myself up relentlessly. This pattern was all too familiar. It was not the first time I had allowed myself to fall into a deep pit. Something had to change.

January second I found a quiet place to seek the Lord and to pour my heart out to Him. This time, however, I was most intent on hearing what He wanted to say to me. I knew some of it (ok, most of it) would be difficult to receive, but I was ready to be broken completely. So, I grabbed my Bible, a note pad, and a pen and went into the driveway to sit in the van. (We have a house full of people at all hours, so finding solitude within the walls of my home would be impossible.) I began to write. I simply allowed my thoughts to flow. Page after page I scribbled feelings, fears, questions, everything that came to mind. And when I finished I just sat. I sat and listened. In my spirit I heard His voice. I felt Him leading me to dedicate the next thirty-nine days to Him. I wondered if He wanted these days to be filled with fasting, however all I believed He was asking me to do was to give Him the next thirty-nine days.

Why thirty-nine days? Well, I'm thirty-nine and have lived with bad habits, thought processes, and attitudes since I can remember. A day for each year. God was seeking to restore me, to take the brokenness of this soul and bring complete healing. And the journey began.

For those of you who are most meticulous you have probably counted the days spanning from January second to find when this current journey would end. For those who are more like me, you are continuing to read knowing I will eventually get around to disclosing the information. February tenth. That's the day that ends this thirty-nine day journey. So why am I writing this before the days are completed. Because I have learned some things that I want to share with you; things that have allowed me to enjoy more of His peace.

The Lord first reiterated things I knew but couldn't seem to practice continuously. It all revolved around my mind. The mind is where battles are won and lost. That is why new testament authors command us to take control of our minds. We are to control our thoughts which in turn controls our actions. Until we master our own minds we cannot master our own behaviors. Each thought must be brought in for inspection to see if it can stand the test of God's word. Many of my thoughts couldn't. They had run wild causing me to develop feelings of low self esteem, anger, resentment, fear, loneliness, despair, and hopelessness. I couldn't continue to ignore my need to be responsible for my own mind.

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy, MEDITATE on these things." Phil. 4:8 (NKJ) For years I had recited these words to my children trying to help them overcome and even avoid the struggles I had endured. Yet I myself was unwilling to truly do what this verse said. Instead of thinking on the true, noble, just, pure, and lovely things I was thinking on how "stupid" I was, how I wished I could be someone else, how I hated my faults, and I meditated on the faults of others. God was telling me that it was time to stop living as a hypocrite and to start living by example the things I wanted my children to believe. No more excuses.

Do you struggle with obeying God's command to think on the things that are from Him? I think most of us do to some extent. If we are ever going to win the battle for our minds, we are going to have to commit to be obedient to all of His word no matter how hard it is. He would not tell us to do the impossible.

Tomorrow I will pick up with the second lesson God had for me. I can't wait to share it with you!